Tag: satire

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From: “The Right Honorable Minister” <HerMajestyParata@ministryofed.govt.nz>
Date: 4/02/2016 7:26 PM
Subject: Ongoing Expenditure and Orders
To: “Accounts” <MrFudge@ministryofed.govt.nz>

Good morning sir,

However, it is a short lived good morning as this morning has not been good at all. In fact it has been dreadful.

We are all out of manuka honey which I was feeding to the Ministry’s prized stallion, “Whinnie”. His coat was looking a little dreary and I heard somewhere that smearing honey on their coat helps bring out a certain lustre. Of course, Whinnie deserves only the best of honey, and so I have ordered a large batch of 750g jars of Northern Hawkes Bay manuka honey. Of course, I will have the local supplier thrashed if these do not arrive on time. Please just add this to our outgoing expenditure for the month.

In addition to this, I would like to make note of the lightbulb that has blown in the caretakers cupboard at our Horowhenua office. This is of course a huge breach of occupational health and safety, and will require a further seminar for all cleaners and custodians to attend. The only provider I have been able to find at short notice is in Sydney, and so I have gone ahead and booked flights and hotels, as is company government policy. I have also been in touch with Big Mike for him to start getting plans in place to rebuild the entire reception area in the Ministry of Education building in the Capital, seeing as Horowhenua are required to report to us. Seeing as this is a huge imposition on our staff, it is only right that they benefit in the way of being able to enjoy a fresh look as they enter their work place. I am hoping this will raise moral a little.

I have told Big Mike, however, to watch the bottom line. He mentioned to me that instead of putting in an additional elevator, that he had a contact who had managed to get a cheap golden staircase which he would be willing to sell to us at minimal cost. This should cut the upgrade by at least $2million dollars from the proposed $30million.

I am aware of the significant costs already spent on the stationery upgrade last month. Our custom made gold coated biro pens had “Ministry of Enducation” printed instead of “Ministry of Education”. I have been in touch with the printer, who while they cannot refund us, they can make another run at only 80% of the cost, seeing as there is now one less letter they have to print. I have okayed this deal.

Lastly, I have asked our hygiene stockists to supply instructions on the inside roll of the Ministry designed loo paper. This should assist members to replace the toilet paper themselves, instead of having to hire the wait staff to come and perform their wipe duties. This should save the ministry about $400 a year. I have already terminated the contracts for the hygiene team.

Please advise as to the arrival of my personal hover desk. The legs on my desk are getting tired, and will need to have a rest soon. The hover desk, while still being developed, should alleviate the health checks and risks that the legged desks have. I have gone ahead and approved the purchase of more of these for every Ministry of Education office around New Zealand, even though it may not be fully finished yet.

I’m sure you’ll let me know if there are any issues with this. As usual, I’ll no doubt ignore your advice and refer you to HR. We cannot afford another Novopay debacle; although this was not really issue as it meant we did not have to pay the teachers for a while. I’m pretty sure they didn’t care anyway.

Right. Off to set up the new charter school. This one is teaching purely in Latin, and will feature upside down learning. Evidently it’s been scientifically proven that any new learning actually has weight, and for children to really learn something properly, they should be turned upside down so that the information seeps down into their heads. Sounds more than plausible.

Sincerely

Her Majesty
Ministry of Education
New Zealand Government

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This article has been a follow up to the posts here: http://unleash.alingham.com/2015/the-true-cost-of-charter-schools/ and here: http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/76717264/ministry-of-education-spends-25m-on-stairway-to-heaven-in-office-revamp  with more to follow, no doubt. http://www.newshub.co.nz/tvshows/story/ministry-of-education-faces-backlash-for-20-million-fit-out-2016021019#axzz3zXcRH7g8